Failure, Security, Anxiety, ADHD, Added Debt
Experiment #100034: I thought I would do better in the New Year by writing a monthly goal for myself. Then write weekly goals to help strengthen my accountability. Outcomes: Leave me to be for a long weekend and I got antsy chasing another big high. Bought a new-to-me-used-car. Total Debt: $87k+.
January week 1 goals, outcome: ADHD impulse is real (and depressing). Hard to write this…
1. Pass – Put $100 into account. $50 more needs to be directed by month’s end.
2. Pass – Appointment made.
3. Pass, conditionally – No CC use… after #4 I did CC-buy parts. But canceled the transaction. So really Fail, but because pass because of canceling. CC is put away. Not good enough I know.
4. Fail – Don’t take out a loan. I bought a used 🚙 because I hate my previous car (which I just financed last year). My inkling is taking over the previous. But I still owe the difference. Then I almost spun down the rabbit whole to buy amusement park passes, big parts for my new-to-me car, etc… lest not forget I just purchased an international trip. I am 3/4 down the rabbit hole. And yet, I still keep the card in my drawer.
5. Pass – Pack a lunch or skip. Have brought all meals as necessary and stayed in my $200/bi-weekly food budget.
6. Pass, conditionally – Stay in (my new reduced) budget. I pass in terms of my cash budget and paying bills. Taking out a new loan and adding a bill is the conditional part.
I did find r/ADHD. Unfortunately more peeps like me. Trying to becoming financially sound is the hardest task I have undertaken. I am a smart cookie but failing miserably at this. I’ve now put myself in a scary space. I like challenges but this is taking it too far. All non-refundable. The option is to clean it up (and cry). New debt total in bio.
#adhd #adhdproblems #keepingitreal #debtfreejourney #fail #adultadhd #adhdprobs #anxiety
Not to Gloat
I don’t write this gloat about me succumbing to more debt.
[I financed $14,000 for a used car and extended warranty this weekend]
I write it to keep it real. “Get on medication for your ADHD”. No, that won’t solve the problem. Like I said, 80 – 90% of the time I am great. It only takes me one time to f*ck it all up. And since I’ve been more aware of my habits in the last few years, I noticed it works like memory. Every year, I anticipate the merit increase, a possible tax return, a potential promotion, the hustle of the holiday scrambles my daily schedule and my mind believes it’s time for lifestyle inflation. “Yup! There is room for a [lifestyle] payment in the budget”.
This time I’ve got myself scared putting myself in this place. It doesn’t feel good at all. I have even more debt to contend with now and a darn tight budget.
But what a rush buying a new car. Then after it was done, I was like, “what the f*** did I just do?!”
The credit card is my security blanket.
[I put $1,500 on my credit card as a down payment]
Also my anxiety blanket. A lot of you have support systems. I don’t. I fail, I get in a hard spot… it’s me. One paycheck… okay, maybe 2 paychecks away from homelessness if shit hits the fan. No one is going to come saving me.
One thing I have realized through the years – a support system like good parents or family members is everything. Cherish it if you have it. Because when you don’t, it lends to a scarcity mindset.
But then I really thought about things – I have everything I need to be successful. If I really financially fall, I do have systems – maybe not ideal – but I have systems to catch me or buy me some time.
Maybe I am afraid I can’t do the hard work.
But really what is the worse that can happen if I live in my means? I might need to move to a cheaper place. I might need to sell my car – I have feet and a transit system if I really needed to get somewhere. I might have to do without extras for a while. None of these are bad for me.
But giving up my “stability” and “safety net” makes me really uneasy. It’s one of the reasons I envy Jillian from Montana Money Adventure – she is comfortable with getting uncomfortable.
Anyway, I read this great article on Marketwatch the other day talking about the first year of early retirement being one of the hardest. But what caught my eye was the author’s quote, “Todd made the astute observation that we didn’t experience sacrifice because our actions were in alignment with our values.”
If I do this – it may be one of the hardest – but it will be a natural way to get myself in alignment with where I need to be (aka, living within my means) and a way to stop the suffering of living in debt. Debt is a security blanket for me too.
Ah! All these security blankets of mine. What happened to my sense of adventure???
I don’t know if today’s mindfulness will bring the change I need. But I am astutely aware of what needs to be done:
- drop the card in a bank security box or to a good friend because the freezer is to close in proximity
- no more loans (which I could put a cap on this… well freezing my reports helps put a bumper stop)
- and maybe limit my time on the internet as it is really easy to become hyper-focus on something (like the next great buy)
I have the tools to make it:
- high income
- therapist (if I want)
- r/ADHD group (where there a bunch of others like me and some great pf tips for people with ADHD – like don’t use credit cards – cash/debit card only)
- an emergency fund
- social supportive network groups
- a house
I am strong woman, but giving up my current version of “financial security” makes me really anxious…
Links worth reading
Why Are We So Quick to Judge? Beach and the Budget